We talked about politics in the USA, Obama, and somehow got unto Syria and the nature of violence. In Botswana, violence, especially domestic violence, often takes the form of what's known as 'passion killings'. At this point in the conversation, the gentleman told me he was the Kgosi, Chief, of the village I was going to and he sits in judgement of domestic violence cases (but not murder, which carries the death penalty here). He said he felt the need to get to root of these incidences. I asked what he thought was the root and his reply....wait for it....was....WOMEN EXPLOITING MEN.
Yes, although the victims of passion killings are predominantly women and the perpetrators almost exclusively men, it was the fault of the women that they were killed. Women, he explained, use men to build them houses, buy them things (like food) with the promise of sex. But, once they get what they want from them, the women leave, ignore or otherwise diss these unfortunate men who can think of no other response than murder.
You woulda been proud of me. I didn't smack him upside the head. I didn't call him a misogynist idiot. I didn't throw up all over him (although I did stifle a gag). What I did do was ask questions.
Q: So, you treat me like a whore and then are surprised when I act like one?
Q: A grown man is not supposed to be responsible for his behavior?
Q: Only women are supposed to be responsible for what they do and the consequences?
Q: If I get raped (or subject to any kind of violence), its my fault?
He asked me what I thought the root causes were, since I (obviously) disagreed with his assessment. I was so eloquent! I talked about poverty, driving women to enter into these types of relationships in the first place. I talked about uneven opportunities and gender inequality. I talked about the lack of healthy outlets and the impact of alcohol and drug abuse rampant here. I admitted that I have only been here for less than a year and was speaking from my very limited experience and making gross generalizations. But, I stood by my observations. I capped it all off with pointing out that children were also victims of passion killings, men not satisified with just murdering the woman (I forgot to mention that suicide usually followed). To this, the Kgosi replied that I had 'defeated' him on that point.
We reached his destination and we said goodbye, thanking each other for the conversation. I don't know if what I said made any impact. I hope it was truly a teachable moment and has some influence, albiet small, on how he approaches future cases that come to his Kgotla. I am optimistic.
